What I Didn't Realize...

Hello Readers! My head is full and my eyes are heavy. How come? Well, for starters, I finally got back into counseling. For those of you who don't know me, I went to therapy for almost 6 months leading up to my move to NYC. There were several reasons why I needed it then, but I am a firm believer in the power of therapy.  Since living here,  due to time and getting finances in order, it has not been a priority (though it possibly should have been).  As of almost a month ago, I felt like I was hitting, nay slamming, into a wall. That drove me to seek out affordable counseling.  Another thing that happened in between that insight and today was that I finally got to go on a mini vacation.  It was a roadtrip with a friend who has been there for me during my darkest hours.  The only things we planned were the destinations, our lodging and the rental car. Other than that, we committed to leaving space to be 30-somethings who simply need time to rest & recoup. There was no other reason...simply, relax.  It was one of the most restful vacations i've ever experienced. We ate, explored, watched netflix, drank and laughed. Upon returning to NY, I felt lighter and less overwhelmed by all the things.

[Pause] Please remember, I love NY and have no plans on leaving. [Unpause]

One of the many things that brought up emotion today during my session was that trip. I was asked why I was getting emotional when speaking about it. What I didn't realize is that I'm waiting for life to get back to 90mph survival and the restfulness to dissipate. Clearly, my mind is no longer at rest if that's firing away subconsciously. Ah, how complex we are (don't call me basic! wink). I am looking forward to begin working through some of this stuff that is weighing me down. It's helpful to type all this out, whether anyone is reading it or not.  My trip though, sheesh, what a gift! If anyone is wondering whether or not you should visit Cape Cod and/or Martha's Vineyard, DO IT. It's as beautiful as the movies and your imagination tell you. Here's to working through hard things and celebrating being able to do just that! The end. 

Climbing and Running

My friend Linnae came to visit me at the beginning of July. We used to live together in Nashville at a time when the pace of life felt much, much slower. I cherish the Sundays she and I would spend in a coffee shop, talking together, writing separately. Those hours were logged to the soundtrack of whatever Nashville singer-songwriter or band Lightning 100 was featuring that year; the Sunday routine went unrivaled. It felt like a stroll in the park. These days, the pacing is a bit different with more life experience under my belt.  It feels like there are two settings: climbing or running (mind you, we should probably acknowledge that my run setting is closer to a jog). The strolling season is stuck somewhere in yesteryear; at least for now. I think that's okay? Maybe we will circle back to that on a later date. Being an adult comes with more responsibility and expectations. That can be really tough some days. Also, I honestly have no idea if I'm living my best life, as the kids are saying these days. What I can commit to is believing that every year is better than the one before. That definitely doesn't mean my years are any easier. Because, it feels like i'm climbing more often than running. Climbing: attempting to figure out how to process fears and insecurities; how to advance in a career that utterly confuses me; how to be a more patient, compassionate and generous person; how to taper my ego responses; how to not disengage when things get challenging... many mountains to scale and all important to participating in a well-lived life. The Running feels a little less frequent. However, when those moments occur, give me that Superman speed! That's what takes me to the next climb. I find great value in both climbing and running. Though it seems like I attach the reward to the running, moments often feel enriched because of the climbing. 

In regards to acting, i'm moving along at turtle speed. But sometimes, the victory is getting one stubborn foot in front of the other. To end on a positive note, the one thing I have in abundance is people who love and support me. I truly couldn't ask for anything better than that. As always, thank you for reading my tumbleweed of thoughts. 

Currently listening to: Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit - The Nashville Sound. 

There is Joy

The Notes app on my phone is filled with completely random words to start using; thoughts; NYC to do lists; dream casts to play roles in a movie I write; Bible verses; books to read; letters to write; goals to achieve...etc. It's all over the place and I rarely delete them. What i'm realizing about myself is that I have a hard time claiming things about my life. For instance, I am a writer. I love to journal and to write letters. I'm not sure yet how I fair at creative writing; though I do enjoy it. These things make me a writer. The pressure (which only I put on myself at this point) that follows that statement is unnecessary and yet exists. That makes me hesitant to claim the fact that I am a writer. Now, there are people who will refute my claim, if I make it. But technically, I am writing every day, therefore I am a writer. Right? Who decides? There is no point to this thought, other than to say that I find joy when I put pen to paper. The more life I experience, especially during difficult times, it becomes evident that some simple things bring me joy. I have to pay attention to what those things are and remember to exercise whatever that is. It is Masters Weekend in Augusta, Georgia. That's easily my favorite sporting event. I know I feel calm when I watch it and it (odd, i know) brings me joy. I will find time to carve out at least an hour to watch part of the tournament, even if that means watching replay footage. But I digress. 

There are other things to discuss. This winter has been unusual, not because of the weather but because it has felt both full of creativity and lacking of it simultaneously. I think the problem is that i'm anxious about the next thing and doing enough. I was fortunate enough to collaborate with a couple artists on a musical piece that we got to perform after about a month of rehearsing a couple of times a week. It was abstract, funny, beautiful, unique and kind of bizarre at times. The singing (mostly operatic, not by me) was stunning. What a gift that opportunity was! Currently, I'm in the middle of a clown class. There's much to discuss but I'll tell you, it's not been as silly as I would have thought. It's fun and challenging. The biggest takeaway I have so far, is that truthful comedy/silliness often requires us to be at our most vulnerable. Being around kids and observing the way they handle conflict, their emotions and creativity helps me be more open. I've realized that kids give me the most permission to be me. Part of clowning, is working out your outfit and your mannerisms, "off-balances" as they are called. I'm still searching for what these things are, but the picture is my first attempt. Stay tuned for more. My challenge is to search for what brings you joy. Start making room for that in your life and make it a habit.  Happy Masters Weekend - SS