I found this recently on a hard drive. I wrote it nearly a decade ago. It’s crazy reading things like this - what was; what has changed; what’s still the same. Also, no surprise I left it open-ended. This was before living in New York and Georgia, so i’m adding to it—life extended. I left the original open-ended, even I knew I wasn’t done floating.
Sometimes I wonder about time. I should say, worry about time. Thoughts bounce around in my mind about how to follow God’s will. Thoughts like:
I’m not sure how much time has passed since I wrote these questions. I turn 30 years old in a few months and some days that alone takes my breath away. I’ve been alive 30 years and have experienced things like dancing in a club on Beale Street; hearing Ol’ Man River as the barges drift down the Mighty Mississippi River; traveling to England, Scotland, Italy, Germany, and Peru; living in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Tennessee, Mississippi and Illinois. I’ve acted in plays and attempted to play sports. I’ve gone on choir tours and competed in vocal competitions. I’ve sung in front of a panel of judges and was chosen as one of the top 40 altos in Memphis to sing in a choir made up of high schoolers from all over Memphis. I went to the same private school for twelve years. I was a chubby red-haired girl who most people seemed to enjoy being around.
Pennsylvania and Michigan held my youngest years and proved that having good neighbors makes a great deal of difference. Dear Tennessee will always be the place I call home. Whether Memphis or Nashville, neither are very glamorous, at least not when I was a resident. And I’m confident most of my laughter resides in the music-filled State. Mississippi taught me that all you need is good people to love a place...and maybe a Walmart. Mississippi is the State that held my college years and I’m convinced no one on this earth loved college more than me. I was a radio DJ, spent hours upon hours in the editing bay as a Broadcasting major, revisited my theater and choir roots, and embarked on many road trips. Illinois was a surprise that expanded my heart. I met people who loved me well and introduced me to work in the real world. I was naïve, excited and cold. And then there is New York [City]. Manhattan and all its boroughs feels like an entire State. New York City, and i’m looking at you Brooklyn, is a place i’ll never stop thinking about. It’s like having a wild animal as a pet. Noises, smells, uniqueness, fear, thrill, pain, joy, art, chaos…it’s all there. It’s the city with a beating heart. I wasn’t prepared for my heart to align with its proud city beats. But it did and i’ll never not ache for that city. Only God knows if i’m done with it. I learned the depths of loneliness and how to be confident in who I am. I learned how to survive. Here and now i’m found in Georgia, the state I never considered. In some ways, Georgia is a little like a soup with all the ingredients of my past homes. There’s a part of me that’s yet to be unlocked here. It has nearly everything I want in a place, including good people and short drives, or flights, to the places and people I love. I’m 40 years old and still have those same questions, just like an old sweet song. That’s okay. I’m the sum of all these parts and I wouldn’t change a darn thing!
