Merry Happy Holy Wonderful Joy Year

I’m alone in my apartment, wearing my favorite Volunteer Traditions sweatshirt. I’ve got a cup half full of coffee, surrounded by Christmas cards from people I love, with Audrey Assad Radio playing on Spotify… and I just had to murder a roach. Isn’t that how it goes? Things sometimes go exactly to plan, until that dang cockroach tries to join the party. Gross. Alright, I shall press on, RIP Roach.

The end of the year tends to be a time of reflection. January 1st is when I get a recap down on paper. This year, like all the others, has been packed full of life. I can honestly say my life is never dull, even when it feels 99% mundane. I’m just going to warn you now, this post will be significantly sentimental. I will start with the fact that I spent a good part of 2019 in therapy. To say it was incredibly helpful doesn’t even come close to capturing the impact. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear someone outside of my circles say the phrase, Sarah, that is a lot. I’m also learning the importance of asking someone for help. It’s very hard.

What else? In learning how to take care of myself and set boundaries, i’ve hurt people this year. I’m not good at setting boundaries yet. The hope is that one day I will be better, and preferably, on the front end of a relationship. So if you’re reading this and i’ve hurt you, I apologize and hopefully will get to say that to your face at some point. My life is packed with people I adore, so hurting someone you love is really crappy. Also, I can be very selfish, guarded and exhausted. While that’s no excuse, those are often reasons why I react defensively rather than remaining open to a conversation. You may be thinking, Sarah (or SS), Chill. You’re really bumming me out. I just want to make sure I’m always showing you both sides of life for me. I feel ridiculously grateful for my life. I wouldn’t trade it and actually like being me. That’s not to say I’m free of insecurity, pride and mess though.

So to switch gears and wrap up an already lengthy post, I got to do a lot of fun things this year- like be in a wedding; drink coffee at the Eiffel Tower; ride rollercoasters; spend Christmas with family. I read Anne of Green Gables for the first time; spent time with kids and dogs all over New York (more on this later); got to act AGAIN on a show I love, with good and hilarious people; I’ve laughed a lot; saw the lights in Dyker Heights, Brooklyn; witnessed incredible theater; spent a weekend at a Young Life Camp; Marco Polo’d with friends and family; hung out as Joyce Pearl; and got more involved in a church community that functions as family. I’ve also been able to see friends do what they love - write music, sing, act, draw, get a new job, grow in their faith, travel, teach…etc. And I get to live in New York, which is such a privilege. We have one life which can suck sometimes and feel really really sad and hard and lonely, BUT, thank God for hope. For the end of a decade, I’ll step into the new one filled with hope. Thank you for hanging with me thus far.

PS. I’m also growing my hair back out. Thank goodness for healthy hair!

Teacups & Tears of Joy

There’s a Phil Wickham song, Tears of Joy, playing right now on my PANDORA station. Yes, you read it right. I typed Pandora. Sometimes I prefer the shuffle of Pandora to the playlists of Spotify. I use them both though, so please don’t write me off as irrelevant yet. Okay, now that we’ve moved past that near catastrophic conflict, I’ll continue on with my flow.

For whatever reason, the best way for me to describe this year is through a color palette. I am incredibly grateful for sight. One of the ways I experience my faith in Jesus and gain perspective, is through seeing the colors of this world. As my last post is titled, Crayons, I shall declare this a 2019 theme! The palette of colors above seem like a good fit. They represent the year’s weather, career highs and lows, friendships, my range of emotions, therapy, trips to SC, GA, TN, AL, NJ (Six Flags), France in a couple weeks, weddings, funerals, babysitting, hospital trips, lots of cheeseburgers and fries, and beyond. I’ve tried to reflect more on the life I’ve lived. Do you stop and reflect? Let me tell you, the meaningfulness of life will most likely take your breath away. However, there’s no shortage of pain.

A dear friend recently said goodbye to a pet that’d been a part of her adult life for well over a decade. She’s grieving and rightly so. Losing someone you love -pet or person or place- hurts. She told me that she feels silly for being so sad. But in my opinion, to grieve is to honor a relationship. Grief also leads to reflection which inevitably sheds light on glimpses of joy. To love and be loved by someone is a privilege. Perhaps will even bring tears of joy. And speaking of joy, I went to Six Flags this year.

OKAY. I know you’re thinking, Sarah, that transition was brutal and I can’t possibly go from death to six flags. You’re right. But, let’s pretend (remember pretending?) that it was a great transitional sentence! I was completely unsure of how my tense, 35 year old bones would respond on a rollercoaster that twists and flips at high speeds. It was definitely touch and go after our warm-up rollercoaster (wooden one). I thought my neck was locked into a downward facing position for a solid 2 minutes. I was convinced i’d be leaving Six Flags on a stretcher (also I was the oldest person in our group by a solid 7 years). But, after an hour or so, I was riding every ‘coaster I could find. There was screaming, tears and lots of laughter. The tension in my body was shaken out. At the end of the day, close to 9pm, four of us road the teacup ride. I was tired and filled with delight, so much so, that my body was completely relaxed. Wonderful. However, this is not ideal for the teacup ride. Because when I say I was a ragdoll and my friends took advantage of my vulnerability, I ain’t lying. I nearly was hurled out of our teacup at a high spinning speed. But I haven’t laughed that hard in a very long time. It will be one of the highlights of this year, without a doubt. Six Flags in New Jersey has a container filled with my joy tears. And it was divinely timed.

To be honest, I’m tired and fighting doubt in several areas of my life; like i’m stuck on the micro-view setting. But, when I do zoom out to see the whole palette of colors, i’m reminded of how much hope lives in me because of all God’s promises. And here I am, writing again which also brings me joy. So, if you reader, are having a hard time, try taking a second to think about the vibrant moments of this year. Breathe. And trust that there’s a teacup beyond the wooden rollercoaster.

Crayons

I’m dog-sitting in an apartment on the Upper West Side. It’s quiet aside from the window A/C unit and the movie About Time playing in the background. My morning has included a bagel sandwich, coffee and a long walk in Central Park with the dog who’s now sleeping at my feet. While a part of me wishes I had someone to share these moments with (quietly), there’s another piece of me that’s cherishing every ordinary second of it. My prayer is that I won’t take this life for granted, no matter the number of days i’m given. So, it’s June. Dignity is a word i’ve been thinking about lately and how that fits in my life…Does it have a room in my life? I hope so. It’s a word I can’t say i’ve spent much time with. There are a couple of people I can think of, in my life, who have lives that reflect dignity ~ in career pursuits, in personal decisions, in relationships. It’s admirable. One of the reasons why I appreciate prayer is that it’s a way to ask God questions. My faith is very personal to me; it’s been a haven for me in the best and the worst times of life. Often I pray for an increase in wisdom, and patience, in gentleness and generosity. My faith tells me God hears it and I do feel comforted by that. I want to add dignity to that list. My fears often hold me back and I think that hinders dignity, potentially, to live in more areas of my life. Do you ever have a word that bubbles to the surface of your brain? What do you do with that word? This makes me think of the book, Harold and the Purple Crayon. When Harold finds the crayon, whatever he wants to see or do, he draws and it exists…it’s quite magical. How i’m connecting this to my previous point is this: that the words, images, phrases, melodies or even PEOPLE that come to mind, are our crayons. They are there for us to pick up and do something with. That’s so important to me. So dignity is my word today to think about and hopefully have my life reflect it, like Harold’s purple crayon world.