I’m alone in my apartment, wearing my favorite Volunteer Traditions sweatshirt. I’ve got a cup half full of coffee, surrounded by Christmas cards from people I love, with Audrey Assad Radio playing on Spotify… and I just had to murder a roach. Isn’t that how it goes? Things sometimes go exactly to plan, until that dang cockroach tries to join the party. Gross. Alright, I shall press on, RIP Roach.
The end of the year tends to be a time of reflection. January 1st is when I get a recap down on paper. This year, like all the others, has been packed full of life. I can honestly say my life is never dull, even when it feels 99% mundane. I’m just going to warn you now, this post will be significantly sentimental. I will start with the fact that I spent a good part of 2019 in therapy. To say it was incredibly helpful doesn’t even come close to capturing the impact. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear someone outside of my circles say the phrase, Sarah, that is a lot. I’m also learning the importance of asking someone for help. It’s very hard.
What else? In learning how to take care of myself and set boundaries, i’ve hurt people this year. I’m not good at setting boundaries yet. The hope is that one day I will be better, and preferably, on the front end of a relationship. So if you’re reading this and i’ve hurt you, I apologize and hopefully will get to say that to your face at some point. My life is packed with people I adore, so hurting someone you love is really crappy. Also, I can be very selfish, guarded and exhausted. While that’s no excuse, those are often reasons why I react defensively rather than remaining open to a conversation. You may be thinking, Sarah (or SS), Chill. You’re really bumming me out. I just want to make sure I’m always showing you both sides of life for me. I feel ridiculously grateful for my life. I wouldn’t trade it and actually like being me. That’s not to say I’m free of insecurity, pride and mess though.
So to switch gears and wrap up an already lengthy post, I got to do a lot of fun things this year- like be in a wedding; drink coffee at the Eiffel Tower; ride rollercoasters; spend Christmas with family. I read Anne of Green Gables for the first time; spent time with kids and dogs all over New York (more on this later); got to act AGAIN on a show I love, with good and hilarious people; I’ve laughed a lot; saw the lights in Dyker Heights, Brooklyn; witnessed incredible theater; spent a weekend at a Young Life Camp; Marco Polo’d with friends and family; hung out as Joyce Pearl; and got more involved in a church community that functions as family. I’ve also been able to see friends do what they love - write music, sing, act, draw, get a new job, grow in their faith, travel, teach…etc. And I get to live in New York, which is such a privilege. We have one life which can suck sometimes and feel really really sad and hard and lonely, BUT, thank God for hope. For the end of a decade, I’ll step into the new one filled with hope. Thank you for hanging with me thus far.
PS. I’m also growing my hair back out. Thank goodness for healthy hair!