Something Changed

Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. Too late for second guessing; too late to go back to sleep. It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap. It’s time to try defying gravity.

I saw today’s prompt and the song Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked immediately came to mind. It’s the moment when Elphaba chooses courage. We see her confidence through this epic power ballad. It’s an inspiring and pivotal moment in the musical.

I’ve sat with Something Changed all day. A lot has changed over the last few years and is still changing. I shared with a friend recently that it feels like I’m walking into a cloud of unknown and I can’t see through it, nor is there a way around it. The things I know to be true are:

  1. I’m not unhappy or afraid.

  2. I’m not depressed.

  3. Change is often a good thing.

  4. I don’t feel like the self I’m familiar with and I don’t know what to do about that.

I’m holding all of those things with hope - Hope, not only for what’s on the other side of the cloud of change but also for the surprises that may be on the inside as well. I’m about to change into my pajamas, so if you need a more tangible tie-in, I hope that satisfies. Thank you for reading these scattered thoughts of mine. I’m thankful for the people in my life and am keenly aware of all the ways God continues to provide for me, despite all the times I get in my own way. Looking forward to writing more. Thank you for reading.

Sincerely,

the Something

Something New

In less than 2 weeks, I will turn 39. That number looks so odd to me. Two odd numbers. Too odd? Accurate.

My birthday is something I try to be thoughtful about each year. In the past, if I didn't want to do anything, someone or several people would go out of their way to surprise me. One year, my friend Michelle decorated a cake to reflect a cartoon version of me on it. I’ve had friends throw me surprise parties, dedicate weekends to celebrating, and take me to get cheese dip in NYC which often proved tricky to find. Recently, my friend Chelsey and I went to Paris to celebrate. Last year, I went to New York and my friend Jamie surprised me with a stroll through the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens. This year, the year of 39, I decided that I’d like to be with family. So come next weekend, I’ll pack up for the week and drive to Alabama to hang with the fam. It feels like forever since I’ve gotten to hang with Lucy, Walter and Mae. The best part of moving to Atlanta is being closer to them. I look forward to this no longer being something new that I do. A birthday - Thanksgiving combo platter? Yes please!

Something Not in the Plan

When I moved to New York, the dream was to be a New York actor. By all accounts, I achieved that goal. There was something else that happened along the way that wasn’t part of the plan- not at all. I started babysitting pretty soon after moving. I was introduced to families through friends and church. My name got passed around more and more. I babysit kids as young as 11 weeks old to 10 years old. I spent time in apartments and homes all over Manhattan, Brooklyn and even New Jersey. Parents trusted me and doormen got used to seeing me. City parks, playgrounds and libraries became familiar stomping grounds. I sang a lot, played with legos and had hands hold mine. I would say that i’m not sure I realized the impact of it all as it was happening, but that wouldn’t be true. I did realize it. It’s a privilege to be a part of a child’s life and be loved by them.

I have a friend who wrote a song called Magic. The lyrics mention having a patchwork heart. She sings about moving to different cities or different homes and how parts of ourselves get left in each place. And while that’s inevitable, we pick up new bits along the way. New pieces to plug the holes of our heart that we left behind - the patchwork heart. She sings, it’s lovely, it’s tragic; but to love something so much, it’s magic.

And those words ring true for me because when I think about these kids, it was lovely to get to spend time with them, to calm them down, to read with them, laugh and cry with them and rock them to sleep…but it’s tragic to think that a day will come when they forget about me or maybe they already have. But goodness, it was magic and i’m happy that my heart is patched up with all those memories -I couldn’t have dreamed up a better non-plan.